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From the Filthy Dreams Kitchen: Revoltingly Romantic Recipes to Give Your Beloved Heartburn This Valentine’s Day

Love me tender…

L is for Love, baby. O is for Only you that I do. V is for loving Virtually all that you are and E is for loving almost Everything you do. R is for…*cough* Ahem…why hello there, my sugary Filthy Dreams sweethearts! What’s that? Oh, I’m just singing Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds’ maniacal adoration anthem “Loverman” in preparation for the big day tomorrow. What do you MEAN what day?! Valentine’s Day, of course! Will you be our Valentine, our dearest beloveds?

Sure, Valentine’s Day is a holiday made for Hallmark stores and flower shops, but that doesn’t mean you have to be all cynical about it! Nobody loves to BUY BUY BUY quite like we do! This year, why don’t you scrap your drug store heart-shaped chocolate box shopping spree plans and instead, make a last-minute trip to the grocery store to pick up some gelatin and tuna? I’m sure the trucker convey hasn’t caused shortages of those much-needed items! And inflation will make your V-Day meal even more special!

This year, Filthy Dreams has all your heart-throbbing Valentine’s Day plans covered with a selection of nauseatingly amorous vintage recipes! We know that the way to anyone’s heart is through their stomachs. Or really, through acid reflux! Heartburn feels a whole lot like love, doesn’t it? Close enough! Throw out that Pepcid-AC and reach for the dating apps! Think to yourself: What would Betty Draper do?

I mean, really…why take your dear, your darling one out to a fancy restaurant when you could fashion Jell-O into a heart? Why bother with red roses when you could just dump a can of tomato soup onto a sandwich and call it a day? Why stalk your precious sweetums around town when you could just send them a cake with a demented and slightly threatening message scrawled in pink icing like a sugary ransom note? We’re just riffing here…

As we have for previous holidays, we dug through the depths of the Internet, discovering some secret love potions from the height of American culinary invention: the mid-20th century! And because we want to help you make your love connection this V-day, here are some of the most repellant and repugnant recipes that will certainly make your loved one’s knees quiver, stomach flutter, and heart pound for more!

Nothing says romance like canned corn!

An element of surprise always works!

Always focus on color rather than flavor

If you can’t find a man on Scruff, build one yourself out of mayonnaise!

Squirrels are my favorite drink

Anything heart-shaped is appropriate this Valentine’s Day

And we mean everything…

It’s as if Valentine’s Day puked on a plate!

If you’re not talented enough for a heart-shaped cake, don’t worry. Just plop a few berries into a heart!

I don’t even know

Crisco has many passionate uses!

What is this?

Heart-shaped, heart-shaped, heart-shaped…what is that at the bottom?

Who could go without a strudel on V-day?

Today! RIGHT NOW!

I like how dry these look. Nothing like emergency dental surgery to get you all hot and bothered!

Every holiday could use some lime cheese salad!

So many questions, all of the answers

Really work to make your cake scrawl as intense as possible!

Tender lovin’ cutlets make me swoon!

If you need to find a man, try canned spaghetti!

Another tip: MORE Crisco!

MORE raisins!

What would Valentine’s Day be without elegance? Shake things up and propose with THIS ring!

Hey, at least the color fits the theme!

Same here!

And here!

Who can resist hopelessly devoted dream bars?!

Ketchup is an aphrodisiac

So are red hots! Am I reading this right?

Stupid cupid!

The more deranged writing the better!

What is this?

I don’t even know

A classic

The only Valentine’s Day card we need

And last but not least, our recommended drink

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