Show some class this Thanksgiving
Why hello there, turkeys and turklets! What’s that? What am I thankful for? Well, you all, of course! I’m also thankful that our World Famous Pumpkin Punch can seamlessly transition from HALLOWREEN to Thanksgiving. Why don’t you grab yourself a glass. Don’t forget the nutmeg!
One of the most stressful parts of this season, other than having to listen to your Trumper relative’s continued rant about Hillary’s emails (nothing like a round of “Lock Her Up!” at the dinner table), while you choke down your food and hesitate to bring up Ivanka’s personal account, is figuring out what to bring to the celebration. Sure, everyone goes for the easy roasted veggie sides or the cranberry sauce (just pick up a can!). But what’s the fun in that? Where’s the surprise? The shock? The awe? The existential terror?
Luckily, to nail that type of response, all you have to do is reach back to the mid-20th century to find some uncanny vintage food recipes–the ones that Betty Draper would make in order to silently express her disappointment and horror in how her life turned out. If there was anything to truly be thankful for, it might just be the tastelessness of mid-century America.
Grocery store-slapping good!
It’s hard to express exactly why these recipe cards and advertisements from the 50s, 60s and 70s continue to fascinate. They manage to be both nostalgic and nostalgia-shattering. Idealization of that period is challenging when the food was made mostly of gelatin and mayonnaise. The advertisements are also just inherently campy, ramping up their abhorrent artificiality to make all these foodstuffs look like plastic. My stomach is already rumbling in anticipation–of waves of nausea.
So following last year’s From The Filthy Dreams Kitchen series, we’ve selected some of the nastiest, queasiest and most revolting retro recipes in order to help you choose what horrendous dish to bring to your Thanksgiving feast. Whether you’re planning on upsetting your grandmother at your family gathering or alienating your friends (and their friends) at a Friends-giving, we’ve got all your culinary needs covered:
When I look at this, glamorous is certainly the word that comes to mind
Be artistic with your loaf decorations!
Garmonbozia!
I think all dishes should have the option to be set on fire
She knows the power of “miracle baste”
Just look at those turkeys carved in the…radishes(?)…such talent, such grace!
I have no idea why these are supposed to be birds
If all else fails, why not just bring cigs!
Then apparently, everyone can ash in the pie. Nobody will notice or have the nerve to tell you to stop!
Turkey AND chicken?! You must be crazy!
Sick of turkey? Why not try “milk chicken.”
Everyone knows there’s no party without Potato Sauce.
Make sure you’re never asked to bring anything ever again.
When in doubt, ham it up!
Sick of pumpkin or pecan pie? Why not do peanut pie, as advertised by a naked baby.
This Thanksgiving is going to be especially chilly. So why not warm everyone with some hot dog soup?
Cat food with olives is a guaranteed crowd pleaser!
Let’s just admire this spread
I think I’ve seen this on Bones.
I like my food to have the consistency of a crime scene.
It’s 2018. In this gig economy, who has TIME to eat anymore?! Just sluck down your entire Thanksgiving meal all at once.
You know what might really impress great aunt Barbara? A treasure chest of mayonnaise!
Or if mayonnaise isn’t your thing, a vomit-like spew of cottage cheese will do
Or just dump Cheez Wiz on everything. Fuck it, right?
I can identity two items on this plate–the olives. Can you explain the rest?
YE-OUCH!
MMMMMMHMMMM!
I want to be a sauce boss!
Look how excited those kids are–they can’t wait for their “fudge nugglets.”
And last but not least, what you’ll need after all of this Thanksgiving mania, some Pepto-Bismol.