“You are warm with clients but never too warm.”

You are warm with clients but never too warm. You are warm with clients but never too warm. You are warm with clients but never too warm. Ahem…sorry. This sentence has been ricocheting around my head for days, like an (anti-)transcendental meditation mantra or a prayer to the Art World Antichrist ever since gaping at a new psychopathic anonymous job listing (and just in case it gets deleted) on New York Foundation for the Arts’ job board. This time, for an Executive Assistant/Office Director position for an anonymous Art Advisory, run by a “Type A” advisor with “Type A” clients. Part of the reason why I keep ruminating is the questions that come from this simple yet ominous line: How warm are we talking? Bath water warm? Sunny day warm? Certainly not scalding hot shower warm! And what is too warm? A smile? A laugh? A “thank you” (which, as per the listing, is also NEVER an email)? An itty glimmer of light still shimmering in the eyes, not yet snuffed out by an overbearing boss?

The questions are not only nagging but frightening. Inevitable failure and a violent boss freakout are embedded within those nine simple words. I’m quaking just imagining the plight of whoever gets hired—and eventually fired—from this position!

Look. I really didn’t want to do another post on a nightmarish job listing since the Tom Sachs/Sarah Hoover shit show/journalistic feeding frenzy. I feel like I’m repeating myself, and I frankly didn’t have all that much fun the last time. Do I really want another novelist to be inspired by this? Yet, I’ve been stewing about this Executive Assistant/Office Director/Engine ad ever since I saw it. So, fuck it, I should go public with its monstrosity. I’m sick of exploitation, and it’s all around us.

Admittedly, this listing is not nearly as funny as the Art World Family’s “dog systems.” Nor is it as concise! But what it loses in precision, it gains in coke-fueled, Adderall-stimmed, wild-eyed, grammatically incorrect, hypocritical irony that leaps off the page like a foam-mouthed rabid dog. Frequent demands of brevity while posting a job listing that bloats up to 1140 words! Requiring an assistant who always spell-checks her emails while forgetting the hyphen! Hey, she clearly does need help!

The listing is also much more terrifying. In addition to the Goldilocks-like warm-but-not-too-warm mandate, this unnamed art advisor is overtly suspicious that this assistant will overshadow her Type A glory to all of her also Type A clients (Did I mention she’s Type A?). Which means if one of these Type A clients praises you to your boss, you’re out! Alongside that quivering fear of overstepping the imagined boundaries of the pathologically paranoid, this prospective Executive Assistant also has to predict any and all needs and problems. Like a mind reader! If that nut Naomi Bashkansky figures out the “non-invasive brain-to-text ‘telepathy’ device” with Conduit, you’ll also be out!

Now, I understand that it’s increasingly hard to find a job in these waning days of employment. AI platforms like the cursed Workday are scrolling through AI-generated cover letters. Job listings are uploaded only to gobble information so companies can algorithmically lowball salaries. Art jobs offer even fewer pennies than they used to throw at idealistic workers with master’s degrees before Big Balls canceled federal grants and young collectors decided they’d rather gamble on cancer treatments and short Hunter Biden’s meme coin. So when you find a job that seems to pay a living wage, like this one, you may think: What the heck? How bad could it be?

Well, bad. Pretty fucking bad. In fact, it reads as if “the principal” fired her old assistant and took to the keyboard in a blind rage afterward. Is it a requirement to go through hell just to make six figures in this industry? And at what point do we need to hold NYFA accountable for letting these wackjobs post their abusive jobs anonymously and eventually chase young workers from the industry entirely? Prospective employees should be able to research who they’re applying to. And the rest of us should be able to know where to train our mockery and shame!

However, I can still poke fun without knowing who this Art Advisor is. Because this listing is so damn long, I’ve presented it in full, unedited, with some commentary and lots of GIFs and memes, of course:

ART ADVISORY FIRM

Executive Assistant/Office Director:

Full-Time | Salaried | Remote | New York, NY

About the firm

• A boutique art advisory firm founded 20+ years ago by its principal
• The principal works with a select roster of high-net-worth private collectors and their family offices, providing end-to-end advisory services — from acquisition strategy and market research to collection management and logistics.
• The principal, and the clients of the firm are high-achieving, type A individuals who expect and receive seamless, anticipatory service. The person in this role is the engine behind the principal.

Remember: They are Type A, NOT private equity goons, hedge fund scammers, real estate slumlords, tech grifters, death cult AI wackos, or generational wealth layabouts! They are most certainly NOT siphoning all the money in the country to the top or picking the bones of the dead empire!

The Role

• The Executive Assistant & Office Director is the operational engine — the person who supports the principal, answers emails, keeps every commitment, closes every loop, and ensures nothing falls through the cracks

• You will be in daily contact with the principal, reading her email communications and answering in real tim.

• After a training period, you will act autonomously where possible, and surface decisions with a recommended course of action

• The principal is the person whose judgment and taste clients are paying for, but they are also paying for the excellent service that we provide. You are the person who upholds that excellence

• You will be client-facing at all levels — interacting with collectors and their family offices to send invoices, follow up on payments, and schedule deliveries

Wait, I thought this was remote?

• You will follow through on all open items initiated by the principal

• You will also interface regularly with the principal’s contacts in galleries and auction houses on invoices, consignments, payments, logistics, and scheduling
• This is a role for someone who has operated in demanding, fast-paced environments, likes to support Type A business professionals, and is proud to uphold their own standards of excellence

Key Responsibilities

If that wasn’t enough, here’s more! 

Client & Family Office Liaison

• Serve as the primary operational contact for clients and their family offices on all logistics: invoicing and payment, delivery and installation scheduling
• Interface with gallery personnel close to the principal and their staff, work with auction house specialists, manage consignments to galleries and auction houses, and handle post-sale follow-through.
• Manage client communications with efficiency, elegance, and authority — resolving in one or two exchanges what others might take ten or twenty to accomplish.

What if this job listing was resolved in one or two sections? Also, what does it mean to write an email with elegance?

• Represent the advisory firm with the polish and discretion the firm’s reputation demands.

• Maintain the principal’s position as the face of all advisory relationships; support the relationship without displacing it.

Operations & Logistics

• Oversee post-purchase logistics, coordinate framing, manage local gallery-to-client transport, and oversee deliveries.
• Obtain high-resolution images of art purchased and input data into the Art Logic database, including the gallery or auction house invoice for future reference.
• Produce client inventories from Art Logic on request.
• Track the movement of property post purchase with rigor and accuracy.
• Send invoices and follow up on payments from clients and their family offices with elegance and tact.
• Ensure no invoice, shipment, or delivery confirmation goes untracked.

Principal Support

• Read all incoming correspondence in real time; triage, act, and surface decisions with a recommended course of action.

An email comes in at 3 am? You better fucking read it! I love the use of “triage” here too. This is an ER-level emergency when someone wants to buy one of Thomas Ruff’s 9/11 photos at David Zwirner!

• Review documents, museum loan contracts, and auction house contracts for actionable items; answer questions preemptively when possible; sign the principal’s name with Adobe e-signature.

Nobody asks? Answer anyway!

• Manage the principal’s calendar and the scheduling of installations.
• Draft client communications, proposals, and internal documents in the voice and standard of the advisory firm.
• Anticipate needs before they are stated; flag issues before they become problems.

Marketing & Research Support

• Maintain and update the advisory firm’s website (Squarespace) when the principal is quoted or featured in press.
• Post articles to Instagram and LinkedIn where the principal is quoted.
• Support production of pitch decks and investment presentations.
• Assist with the firm’s newsletter.
• Conduct art market research using Artnet, Art Logic, AI, and pricing databases as needed.

Team & Systems

• Supervise and direct interns, including oversight of website image updates and other delegated tasks.
• Maintain Art Logic with accurate inventory, sales, and invoice data.
• Manage the firm’s document workflow, including e-signatures (Adobe) and file organization.

Ok. Here’s where it gets good. REALLY GOOD:

Who You Are-

We are not looking for someone who needs to be told what to do. After an initial training period, we are looking for someone who reads a situation, forms a view, acts on it, and reports back..

The following are non-negotiable:

• Service-obsessed by instinct. You feel the discomfort of an unanswered email the way the principal does. This is not something we can train.

• Highly organized. This is a fast paced business where we respond in real time to client requests; and yet, certain tasks have long tails. You keep an excellent list of actionable items that you follow up on daily. You do not forget the work in progress when actioning on immediate tasks. 

• Detail oriented perfectionist. The role calls for someone who delights in nerdy details and spell checks their emails

• Proactive and self-directing. When you hit a wall, you bring a proposed solution — not an open question.

• Disciplined communicator. You resolve in one or two emails. You pick up the phone when a thread is getting unwieldy. You understand that ‘thank you’ is not an email.

• Operationally rigorous. You treat the Excel property tracking sheet as your reputation. Invoices, payments, and the movement of property are proactively organized to stay one step ahead of clients; follow-ups do not fall through the cracks on your watch.

You will live the Excel property tracking sheet! You will breathe the Excel property tracking sheet! If you fuck up the Excel property tracking sheet, you will never work again!

• Discreet and boundary-aware. You are warm with clients but never too warm. You represent the principal; you do not replace her.

• Aesthetically literate. You do not need to be an art expert, but you must write and communicate in a manner befitting a firm of this caliber. Using AI to assist is acceptable but your emails should never sound like generic Chat GPT.

• A reliable backstop. The principal has a great deal going on at once. You keep it all straight and act as her backstop.

Wait, I thought you were an engine!

Background & Experience

• An arts background and an art history degree are a must.
• Experience in high-stakes, high-end service roles, with excellent communication skills and a supportive, grace-under-pressure temperament.
• Art world transactional experience — in an auction house or gallery — is a plus, not a requirement.
• What is required is the temperament to operate at the same level as the principal, or very close to it, and the track record to prove it.

Tools & Systems

Proficiency in the following is expected or quickly achievable:

• Art Logic (inventory, sales data)
• QuickBooks (familiarity with the online version)
• Artnet and other art pricing databases (market research)
• Excel (property tracking and logistics management)
• Adobe Acrobat (e-signatures and document management)
• Canva (pitch decks and marketing materials)
• Mailchimp (newsletter production)
• Squarespace (website updates)
• AI tools (communication support, research and problem-solving)

Dear god, when is this going to be over?!

Compensation

• Full-time salary, commensurate with experience.

And the clincher!:

• Benefits: health insurance optional

Optional for whom?! The principal will be OPTING out of giving YOU healthcare! 

Please do not apply for this job if you do not have the qualifications specifically listed in the description. Submit a cover letter stating why you are the right fit for this job and provide your resume. There will be no responses sent to unqualified applicants.

How welcoming!