The Stations of the Milo

I consider myself something of a Milo Yiannopoulos scholar. Any serious connoisseur of conservative camp should be! Which means I’ve been chuckling ever since the appearance of Milo’s hollow-eyed, bloated, rumpled, dour mugshot was posted to DHS’s X account announcing his imminent deportation after overstaying his visa. I mean, what a ride he’s had, huh? Egging on #Gamergate at Breitbart before starting riots on university campuses by owning the libs through calling Trump “Daddy” while wearing shirts emblazoned with his own face before bathing in blood at the Twinks-4-Trump party before losing it all by defending the positives of a relationship with a pedo priest. Then, Milo converted into an ex-gay, which means he grew a mullet, dressed like pro-wrestler Brother Love, threw his wedding ring…I mean…”sodomy stone” into the ocean while downing vodka and cigs, chatted with Westboro Baptist Church’s Margie Phelps, and sold Catholic tchotchkes on TV (which I deeply regret not purchasing at the time). Somewhere along the way, he also managed to intern for Marjorie Taylor Greene before she became a MAGA apostate; taught Laura Loomer how to draw a Star of David; served as Ye’s “chief of staff” during his brief presidential run, including when he stormed out of Tim Pool with the green room cookies; worked and feuded with Azealia Banks; and bantered on podcasts with our favorite gay scammer, Georgie Santos.

With his deportation back to England, a new Milo has emerged: self-proclaimed “persecuted human rights icon.” Before I get any farther, know that I didn’t want to take too much glee in Milo’s fuck-around-and-find-out plight despite his continual cheering on of ICE’s brutality. Though this country is better off without him (He’s your problem now, England! You raised him!), I don’t think crazed, fillered, and possessed ventriloquist dummy goblin Laura Loomer being able to pull the strings of the federal government, get her nemesis deported, and go on a grating victory tour is a good thing. She’s done it before too. For instance, her googly-eyed, foam-mouthed bigotry inspired the green card yanking of Hamideh Soleimani Afshar and Sarina Hosseiny, whom she claimed were related to Qassem Soleimani. They were not. Of course, I have more sympathy for Hamideh and Sarina than I do Milo, but his case is still an ominous sign in the final days of our waning democracy. All to say, I thought I’d cackle at Milo’s unflattering mugshot and his subsequent frazzled appearance on Piers Morgan, and be done with it.

Is that the stigmata?!

That is, until our very own Marion sent me Milo’s account of his arrest at the New Orleans airport and deportation, published in The Spectator this week, a laughably dramatic, deeply biblical crisis of faith and persecution that must be read to be believed. As we read, we realized what tickled us so much. Milo depicts his own deportation as a crucifixion! He’s not the only one to do so: Trump’s RNC account of his near-miss Butler assassination attempt, too, was a tad crucifixion-y. Yet, Milo’s narrative is much more over the top, more suffering, more trash religiosity, more decadence, more camp. So, I had to create our own Stations of the Milo based on his article (while taking SOME liberties). Yes, using the aesthetic terror of AI slop images to do so, jumping from one AI agent to the next until I ran out of free images or got yelled at by anti-humor AI hall monitors (Claude wouldn’t let me make jokes about public figures. What a downer!). Call me an AI hypocrite. Whatever. At least I laughed while draining this deteriorating empire’s natural resources just a little bit. One thing you’ll notice (beyond many of the other baffling bot choices here) is all these AI agents are quite…ahem…generous to the fallen MAGA troll pioneer. So grab your rosary or Mardi Gras beads from MSY and follow Milo on his journey:

1. Milo is condemned to deportation.