Camp / Film

6 Videos To Watch While Waiting For The Second Coming of JFK Jr. This Thanksgiving

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He’s returning! And he wants turkey!

Why hello there, dearest Filthy Dreams gobblers! What’s that? You’re excited for the second annual pandemic Thanksgiving?! Well, who isn’t, my little stuffed turklets! When Filthy Dreams was originally conceived as a camp twist on the idea of Nietzsche’s eternal return—a show happening on the hour every hour—a decade ago, we never quite realized how much of everyday life would resemble our imagined neverending flat circle! At first, it seems thrilling, but after a few spins, phew…even I’ll admit it gets a little boring. Who hasn’t tried to cozy up to a wet sneezer during holiday travel in the hopes of a booster breakthrough infection to at least shake your Thanksgiving up a little bit?

Ho-hum. I guess it’s no biggie that COVID-giving is getting a bit tired when it’s not even acceptable behavior to fully and enthusiastically celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. Sure, Fox News chatters on and on about the War on Christmas, but what about the silent War on Thanksgiving? Just like the ever-growing list of other problematic American holidays, Thanksgiving has to be celebrated in a whisper while acknowledging our long national list of shameful acts. I mean, it’s not for nothing. What do we have to be so thankful about anyway in 2021? The Rittenhouse verdict? His future political campaigns? His coming appearances in MyPillow ads with his own discount code?

What am I thankful for his year? I’m so glad you asked, darling cranberry sauces! This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Q. No, not just dead-eyed, monotone Ron Watkins and his charisma-less run for Congress in Arizona. I’m thankful for QAnon’s unhinged and endless commitment to their belief that JFK Jr. will be rising from the drink in Martha’s Vineyard in order to become their leader–or something. If you haven’t been riveted by this deranged story like I have, little green bean casseroles, you may wonder where your QAnon Aunt Nancy is this Thanksgiving. Well, she’s most likely waiting outside at Dallas’ Dealey Plaza, singing “We Are The World,” and heralding the second coming. No, not of Christ–of a Kennedy! It must be true. JFK tweeted it!

Really.

Apparently, JFK Jr. and possibly even JFK himself are slated to reappear with Jr. becoming our former President Donnie’s running mate. Why would JFK Jr. reappear at the site of his father’s assassination? Why would JFK Jr. suddenly be a Trump Republican? Why now? Why would a group of populists who think elites sex traffic and eat babies want a Kennedy as their leader?

Don’t ask me, but I see a clip of these wackjobs gathering like an unaired X-Files episode or a Heaven’s Gate meeting and I start booking a flight to Dallas. I want to believe!

However, if you’re not so lucky as to be screaming to the skies for the rekindling of Camelot, I guess you might as well spend Thanksgiving holed up in front of the television or computer until His inevitable return! It would certainly be better than creating a new strain of COVID while listening to your great uncle drone on about vigilante justice or Joe Biden’s approval ratings! And because Thanksgiving is all about gathering together with friends and family, I have to give credit where credit is due and admit many of these spectacular videos were sent to me by contributors and friends of Filthy Dreams alike, including Andy Anderson and Graham Russell who understand our particular little niche tastes. Ah…I’m thankful for you, dearest readers too…

So grab yet another mug of our World Famous Pumpkin Punch, cut a second slice of pie, and get to watching! It won’t be long now until JFK Jr. comes!

1. Liza in London! 

Why not kick this list off with a bang–or really, with a belt! YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! If anyone at your Thanksgiving gathering is feeling the drag of the tryptophan sleepies, this will wake everyone up for a second round! Opening mid-holler, HBO’s Liza in London! doesn’t exactly ease its audience into Liza’s bonkers maniacal energy as she throws her head back and roars to the balconies. Though the director Don Mischer, in a stroke of genius, decided to drag this clip from the end of the show—Liza’s unhinged version of “New York, New York”—to the very start of the filmed concert, the actual beginning of the show isn’t exactly any more soothing with a head-spinning medley of the jazz standard “Blue Skies” and…well, what would you guess? What song do you imagine? I bet you wouldn’t say The Pointer Sisters’ “I’m So Excited”! But that’s exactly what Liza does. Slurring each transition at the top of her lungs, the sound of these two songs together just says psychotic break. Quick–get the straight jacket! Liza’s chosen look also adds to this nervous breakdown aesthetic, from her hair stuck up as if she was tearing at it, her JC Penney sequin ensemble, and her glassy-eyed stare. She sure sees nothing but blue skies! And after watching this, tossing pills and booze down your head to try to match Liza, you won’t either!

2. Laura Branigan’s intro for Hollywood Wives

Here at Filthy Dreams, we’ve never shied away from our love of Laura Branigan. Why, we included Branigan’s “Gloria” on our playlists long before Darren Criss’s Andrew Cunanan mid-murder spree song break in American Crime Story and even longer before Trump included it on his Capitol insurrection playlist! We were screeching about Gloria being on the run before ALL OF YOU! Ahem…Needless to say, Branigan holds a special place in our Filthy Dreams heart of hearts, which makes it a cardinal sin that I never saw Laura Branigan’s intense intro song to British romance novelist extraordinaire Jackie Collins’s TV miniseries Hollywood Wives, based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel of the same name, before last week. “HOLLYWOOD WIVES! FIGHT TO SURVIVE!” Branigan howls. What are they fighting to survive? Well, if we take this dizzying introduction as any indication, they’re fighting to survive shopping sprees! And getting facials! With nauseating zoomed-in close-ups of Hermès and Neiman Marcus, this intro to Hollywood Wives is a harrowing ode to wealth and consumerism gone mad set against a backdrop of plastic Beverly Hills sleaze. If you can bear to tear yourself away from the lipstick and champagne bottle imagery, notice the stunning lineup of stars in the miniseries, including Anthony Hopkins and our own favorite poet Suzanne Somers!

3. Ultimate Love Boat Intro

Speaking of intros, who WOULDN’T want to watch nearly an hour of almost every guest star introduction on the late 1970s/early 1980s sitcom The Love Boat in alphabetical order? Talk about fixation! Mesmerizing and hypnotic, set to the maddeningly repetitive theme song played over and over (and over again), this mash-up video just makes me want to book a cruise and FAST! See how many stars you recognize! And even more bizarre, see how many stars you don’t! Who the hell are they and what happened to them?

4. Andy Warhol’s film of The Velvet Underground and Nico

Eager viewers of The Love Boat video might notice the absence of one aloof silver-haired artist who graced the Pacific Princess with his presence in an October 1985 episode. Of course, we mean Andy Warhol! Who could forget that Pop icon? No matter. We’ll make it up to you, here on Filthy Dreams, with Warhol’s own film of The Velvet Underground and Nico from 1966. Some of you VU fanatics may have seen clips from this film used in Todd Haynes’s documentary The Velvet Underground, which heavily culls from Warhol’s cinematic work, including his screentests, to attempt to depict the sonic assault that the VU perpetrated on its audiences. Afterward, though, it’s always good to find the original source material and revel in its even more excruciatingly unwatchable qualities. Warhol did profess his love for “boring things” after all. Witness Nico’s son Ari running around as the Velvet Underground jam and Nico lackadaisically and half-heartedly hits a tambourine! Ponder, while looking at Lou Reed’s endlessly cool aura, why he seemed to be such an asshole! Marvel queasily at Warhol’s overenthusiastic zooms as you try to choke down your pecan pie!

5. Bea Arthur’s Shoppers Drug Mart ads

Last year with all the toilet paper hoarding and fear of contagion, running errands seemed exhilarating. Finally, some excitement when you can get in a fistfight over Charmin. But, now? Yawn! Thankfully, Bea Arthur is here to rekindle our love of going to the drug store, specifically Canada’s Shoppers Drug Mart, with this collected series of unhinged advertisements. In a culture of hashtagged sponsored posts, Bea’s Shoppers Drug Mart advertisements reveal what we’re missing: more camp in ads! I’d buy whatever Bea is selling! Speaking of consumerist panic once we stampede through Black Friday, Christmas is almost here! Don’t blink and miss Bea making out with Santa Claus.

6. Kylie Minogue & Jessie Ware’s “Kiss of Life”

Last but certainly not least, Kylie Minogue and Jessie Ware’s video for their duet “Kiss of Life,” made with members of the Theo Adams Company and including an appearance by London nightlife icon Princess Julia, is just a pure wacky delight. Kylie has always understood camp with a playful self-awareness and her unlikely mutual admiration society with fellow Aussie and our beloved Nick Cave is just an added bonus. You know what? Scratch JFK Jr.–I’m thankful for Kylie this year!

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