*stares wide-eyed into the tantalizing and tacky abyss of the dancing waters* Wha…wha…what’s that? Who is trying to talk to us as we drift off into the Mall of America utopia of a dancing waters fountain playing a manic rendition of, well, all of the music from The Nutcracker? THIS IS CHRISTMAS!!! HOW DARE YOU?! Oh, it’s just you, dearest Filthy Dreams readers…

We didn’t really mean to yell. It’s just that ever since watching this video on Billy Beyond’s Instagram page, we’ve been hooked…hooked on Tchaikovsky and dancing waters, of course:

I mean, it’s everything we ever wanted to create here at Filthy Dreams: over-the-top kitsch, Vegas-esque cheese, grating performance that challenges both the senses and patience, a touch of unhinged excess and just a sprinkle of a potential nervous breakdown to really keep you on your toes. We’ve been so obsessed with it, watching this video over and over again that we’re ready to get baptized in its multi-colored laser lights next to a Starbucks.

In honor of being born again in its artificial, manufactured schmaltz, we’ve created our annual Xmas playlist in its image with our new favorite song “Hooked on Tchaikovsky” playing over and over again like a festive eternal recurrence. Who would hope for anything more? It’s like an event horizon of Yuletide cheer! Peppered in between are some other exhausting and exhaustive holiday favorites by other purveyors of tack like Liberace and the searing squeals of Armen Ra’s theremin, but eventually, as always we’ll return to the Eurythmics sounds of “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy.”

So grab a drink (or five), put this playlist on for your holiday guests, and yes, that song HAS played already. What about it?!: