This week, The New York Times published an in-depth feature analyzing the campaign event playlists of nine of the Democratic primary candidates for the 2020 election. And, you know what, dearest Filthy Dreams playlist listeners, it was a bore! What a disappointment, as the candidates’ campaign rally playlists ranged from snoozefest to just barely acceptable! I mean, how many playlists can feature Panic! At The Disco like it’s 2005? And do you expect me to believe Joe Biden even knows who Lady Gaga is? Or knows that her name isn’t really Lady Gaga?
But, before we get into the Democratic candidates playlists in more detail, I have to note my utter dismay and offense taken that we, here at Filthy Dreams, weren’t invited to comment on these playlists. I mean, we’re playlist experts. Playlist connoisseurs, if you will. If there was a Nobel Prize set aside for playlist-making, we would win it! I mean, has anyone at the Times made a maniacal 10-hour playlist? We have. Have they forced extensive, nonsensical playlist-after-playlist on the unwitting readers? We have. Have they ever made a playlist just to party for an eclipse? We have.
You get the picture. We’re the real experts on playlists, and well, if I’m looking at the Democratic hopefuls…Whew! It does not inspire confidence.
One of the main problems may be that the Times feature forgot about the real Dem frontrunner and my favorite woo-woo witch Marianne Williamson whose playlist I would be most interested to see out of all of the candidates. How dare they forget about her?!! The Orb Gang is coming for you! I imagine a playlist full of Kate Bush, Stevie Nicks, and ambient whale calls. You know, a playlist that makes you want to light some candles, don a scarf and spin!
However, the playlists that they chose to examine do expose some embarrassing quirks from some of the candidates. For example, Beto O’Rourke’s playlist, which apparently “his staff noted he curated himself,” is filled with songs from the Ramones, The Modern Lovers, Fugazi, The Replacements, Bob Dylan, and The Velvet Underground. While these musicians are perfectly good by themselves, together they have the sonic effect of noises blasting from an open door in an NYU dorm room. I know. I went there. We get it, Beto, you’re so cool.
Another cool-chaser is Kirsten Gillibrand whose “Girl Power!” playlist bombards supporters with No Doubt’s “Just A Girl,” Kesha’s “Woman,” and Queen Latifah’s “Ladies First.” A little on the nose, Kirsten. The New York Senator just barely stopped short of including Bikini Kill’s “Rebel Girl,” which she might as well have. Go full riot grrrl in a cardigan, Kristen!
You know who isn’t cool, though? Mayor Pete Buttigieg. Mary, that is the straightest gay man I’ve ever witnessed. What self-respecting homosexual uses a playlist that includes Hootie and the Blowfish’s Darius Rucker? My god. THE HORROR!!! And sure, I see you trying to appeal to the gays with Carly Rae Jepsen and George Michael, Pete. But it isn’t enough, especially in combination with vanilla country bores like Brad Paisley and even worse, jam torture-fest Phish. I mean, where is the Bronski Beat? It just speaks to the fact that Pete needs to go live a little. Take some poppers and put on “Small Town Boy” before you make a playlist next time, Pete!
Some playlists, though, are so clearly made by staffers. For example, it seems as if Bernie’s staff just typed “Revolution” into the Spotify search tab and added every song they could find, along with Muse, the chosen sounds of paranoiac vinegar-spraying YouTube chem trail warriors. Together, it feels like the soundtrack of a radical mental break. But, I’d much much prefer revolution-driven derangement to Joe Biden’s paltry playlist. Sad! I mean, do you expect me to believe Joe Biden listens to The 1975? I don’t think so. Lame and lazy.
But overall, they were all big letdowns. So much so that we, here at Filthy Dreams, decided to throw our hat in the ring too! Why not? We’re experts! We’ve got the experience and the know-how to really clean up the swamp–of playlists that is.
So we are pleased to announce the Filthy Dreams 2020 campaign playlist. As you listen, just imagine our campaign event, covered in confetti and riddled with zany technical errors. Our aesthetic inspiration? Liberace, as we emerge from a gigantic car and exit by appearing to ascend into the sky. Our other campaign influence would be the aesthetics of Wrestlemania entrances. I want pyrotechnics! The bigger the better!
Of course, we’d have to run third party. The Filthy Dreams Party, that is! And our platform? Our policy initiatives? Why get into details now? I’ll stick with the tried and true: Filth is my politics! Filth is my life! And I know what you’re thinking? If both you and Marion ran, who would be President and who would be VP? Stop getting so hung up on labels, man!
Now, if the Times were to analyze our playlist, they might have a hell of a time with it–a mix of clownishness to reflect our campaign slogan “Send In The Clowns” (might as well), promises of financial extravagance, and a myriad of twists and turns along the way. I’m not even sure I know how to explain it other than we fucked our way to the top indeed. And well, fuck with us and get some money!