Dawn Davenport has had it with Christmas carols
Ho Ho Hello there, dearest Filthy Dreams readers! Why come in and have a chocolate peppermint martini! Yes, I know they’re disgusting but dry-heaving is a Christmas morning tradition. If you aren’t waking up at 4am on your bathroom floor tasting a mixture of candy-cane flavor, holiday spirit and regret, well, it just doesn’t seem like Christmas to me.
While we, here at Filthy Dreams, just go maniacally and alarmingly unhinged over the holiday season, endlessly playing our Xmas Playlist with visions of Moisty the Snowman dancing in our heads, we understand that at some point you need a break from all the relative-mingling and Christmas-caroling/caterwauling. That’s why we’ve put together a list of videos that will surely shut your relatives up. No more Jingle Bells or We Wish You A Merry Christmas after you screen these Christmas-themed clips. In fact, you may never be invited to Christmas dinner again!
So grab another glass of Christmas cheer, snuggle close to Fireplace For Your Home (only the trashiest and coziest fire around) and have a hap-hap-happy holidays watching these films/videos!
1. John Waters reads “Why I Love Christmas”
Our preeminent role model John Waters’ essay “Why I Love Christmas” from his collection Crackpot has always been a holiday staple here at Filthy Dreams. While some choose to read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, Waters’ Christmas hysteria has become our yearly touchstone of Christmas trash. And the only thing better than obsessively muttering it aloud to resentful relatives is having John read it to you! Listen and learn how to become a “Christmas zealot” just like John. Maybe even take notes for there’s always more to improve on when you’re sick with the Christmas spirit.
2. Tom Waits “Silent Night/Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis”
Speaking of sleaze, nothing says soothing and seasonal like Tom Waits’ impossibly gravely, cigarette and whiskey-soaked voice. Singing like a chorus of angels coming off of a bender, Tom Waits growls out maybe one of the most unsettling versions of Silent Night I’ve ever heard, turning the manger into a stale smoke-reeking dive bar. If that weren’t enough, Waits then starts into his startling Christmas classic Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis. Well, who hasn’t received one of those?
3. Christmas Evil
What could put you more in the Christmas spirit than a Santa slasher film? Made in 1980, Christmas Evil is even a favorite of our Yuletide filth elder John Waters. Completely Freudian, the film centers around poor Harry Stadling whose murderous obsession with Santa Claus begins with the childhood trauma of catching his mother…well…doing more than kissing Santa Claus. Starting with that sordid seed, Harry grows up to be a dementedly delusional and devious adult who believes he truly is Santa Claus. Who needs Miracle on 34th Street when this Santa attacks naughty list with a vengeance?
4. Lady Bunny “Santa Claus Is Cumming To Town”
Bewigged drag hero Lady Bunny’s perfectly perverse parody songs are a favorite for any season really. However, the line “Santa Claus just came in my mouth” makes me just want to start belting Joy To The World. Sporting enormous pigtails, adorable freckles and using apparently no grease, we can all gather around the Christmas tree to laugh at Bunny’s sexual Santa favors.
5. The Superions “Santa Je T’aime”
Last but certainly not least, The Superions’s video for Santa Je T’aime looks like the holiday party of my dreams. The side project of The B-52s’ Fred Schneider, Santa Je T’aime is a deranged, campy and moaning love letter to Santa. Resembling a queer fever dream after too many eggnogs and roasted chestnuts, Santa Je T’aime features a gaggle of Santa’s in the sleaziest and silliest costumes imaginable. Frolicking outside and in a party with giant pillow breasts, negligees and often beards, these Santas are definitely on the naughty list!