Hot diggity dawg…it’s that time of year again, Filthy Dreamers! That’s right: stop doomscrolling, get off the couch, dust off those Pride flags, straighten out the leggings, thaw the frozen sausage links, grab the loudest, most jarring tee, do a backflip, ice your back, streeetch, grab those weights, smash them against your face, remove those sausage casings, put on some Madonna, and then grind away; then grab a needle, inject, and flex! It’s PRIDE!! This year’s Pride feels extra-special now that corporate Pride has receded and that democracy as we know it has been sold away for a UFC fighting ring on the White House front lawn. Forget Target Pride birds: new year, new you!

Wait, what’s this about Looksmaxxing? Oh wait, it’s about going to extremes to maximize attractiveness–AND it involves substance injections, physical mutations, and penis stretching?? SOLD! That’s right. Why stuff sausage into casings when you can do so into your biceps, chests, lats, and cheeks! The only thing needed is the right soundtrack, and we here at Filthy Dreams have you covered. No need to worry about which song best fits your rhinoplasty. Patrick Cowley’s “Mutant Man” will drift you away through anesthesia-induced blue skies. Suddenly feeling gay ‘roid rage? Our one-two punch of Revolting Cocks’ cover of “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” followed by The Immortals’ “The Ultimate Warlord” will channel that rage into weight lifting, lazy eye muscle correcting, and dinner party planning! Yes, with the world burning, we are feeling very des Esseintes—nay, Dorian Gray this season; and with that, Filthy Dreams role model Daniel DiCriscio‘s “Blondemic” and “Hollywood” are here to set the party mood. Polish your shoes, spend an hour in the scentorium, stretch those lips, and get to stepping. Whooooaahh-hoooooah!!