Those tiny eyeholes were not safe!
Why hello there, Filthy Dreams ghosties, ghouls, and goblins! Happy Halloween! What’s that? What am I doing? Oh, just cutting all our Halloween candy in half to make sure there aren’t any razors in there! Remember those old trusty scare tactics from trick-or-treating days of yore? Did YOU ever find a razor? Or better yet DRUGS?! We didn’t either! It’s not fair! At least if we knocked on Madonna’s door it looks like she’d give us some poppers!
Those gosh-darned kids today are probably too busy diagnosing themselves with rare mental illnesses on Tik Tok (which frankly sounds fun to us. What would WE get?!) to fully enjoy the terror of grabbing candy out of a bowl and potentially getting poisoned by a Milk Dud. Not that this fear of strangers has disappeared. While there are some scare tactic reports of fentanyl in rainbow candy, mostly this stranger danger anxiety has changed shape into being afraid of social media accounts with names like Deplorable Hank making their horrible, frequently misspelled return after a certain billionaire bought Twitter or conversely, all-ages drag shows. And everyone regardless of political leanings lives in fear of hammer crime, whether you’re Paul Pelosi or walking through, what I call, “The Hammer Hallway,” that way-too-long tunnel between the L and the 1, 2, and 3 trains at the 14th Street station where one particularly memorable incident has haunted me since.
But, these lurking terrors are way less fun. Luckily, this PSA mash-up by seemingly defunct paramedical funhouse/LA-based performance crew Art of Bleeding will bring you right back to a more seasonally appropriate abject fear of others all over again! We have to give credit where credit is due: we didn’t find this film ourselves. It was shown to us by friend of Filthy Dreams, Graham Russell, a fellow devotee of cultural trash. And whew, whether it is that slow-blinking doomed witch or the hair-raising droning soundtrack that has echoed in our mind for days, we haven’t been able to stop thinking of it since! “This little witch might get hurt!” *blink blink*
This safety-remixed film brings together several Halloween public service announcements from 1977 and 1985, as well as other random clips since the Church of Satan’s Lord of Darkness Anton LeVay makes a brief appearance. What kind of candy did HE give out to trick-or-treaters?! Did anyone ever TP the Black House because he handed out apples or left his lights out?
*Ahem* Anyway, this Art of Bleeding Halloween Safety Remixed offers lots of tips to keep you safe like: “Treats from strangers might make you sick!” and “Throw away candy that is NOT SAFE!” But we prefer the ominous threats made while monster masks dance around like sugar plums above our heads such as: “You might not see that curb!”; “You might fall into the street!”; and “You might be run over!” That poor little witch won’t know what hit her!
And because we’re nothing if not purists here at Filthy Dreams, we also combed up the original safety videos in case you want to go full paranoiac this Halloween! We recommend it! Nothing like free-flowing, non-stop anxiety to get you in the spooky mood! Remember it is safer in the dark!
It is safer in the dark!
It is safer in the dark!