America Is Doomed / Art / Trash

“If You’re Watching This Video, You’re A Loser”: Nikocado Avocado Is The American Dream This Fourth of July

God bless the U.S.A.!

*waves American flag wildly* Well, hello there, dearest Filthy Dreams patriots! What’s that? Why am I feeling just so proud of our fair nation on this 4th of July? Maybe it’s because I finally believe in the American dream again!

Sure, we all know that the post-World War II dream of a suburban house, a car, and a gaggle of children is long dead–hoarded by the Boomers who just about ruined everything else (not that their polar opposite the Zoomers’ ominously puritanical rise is any better). But that doesn’t mean another dream can’t be ushered in by the right person. And I’ll tell you, dearest daydreamers, I’ve seen this dream achieved…on YouTube!

I mean, isn’t the American dream not only gorging yourself with an avalanche of fast food and your resulting physical and emotional destruction, but monetizing it? Isn’t it shoving pizza pan-sized slabs of ramen noodles covered in semi-melted cheese into your mouth for clicks? Isn’t it showing your viewers the mattress that you “soiled” after having Burger King breakfast for the fifth time that week (which is curiously in a bedroom that appears full of mattresses), blaming them (“I had an accident on my bed–on my brand new mattress and it is YOUR fault!”), and then proceeding to eat a mountain of Popeyes chicken, including an errant chicken bit that suspiciously resembles a little chicken pecker (“Is this meat? I’m sure it is!… That’s dessert!”)?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

The American dream is alive and well in the virtual output of Nikocado Avocado. Otherwise known as Nicholas Perry, Nikocado Avocado was born in Ukraine and adopted into a family in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. His is a 21st-century immigrant success story, finding fame and fortune through binge-eating Sonic, Popeyes, Cheesecake Factory, Dairy Queen, Chick-fil-A, Burger King, king crabs, a copious variety of noodles, Extreme Blue Heat Takis Fuego, Hot Cheetos, and well, you name it. And this Independence Day, I feel compelled to share my current obsession with Mr. Avocado because I’m invested in his daily videos and feel like I can’t look away. So I’m forcing you to join me on this obsessive journey.

I’ll admit I never cared about YouTubers. I mean, who the fuck is David Dobrik? Logan and Jake Paul? Bleh! Yawn! No thanks! Who cares if they box now? Can they guzzle ranch dressing straight? Otherwise, count me out.

While I’ve always found the clickbait race for attention revolting, Nikocado Avocado’s videos have a much darker and more depraved quality that would likely tickle the fancy of our preeminent filth elder John Waters (someone needs to tell him to watch!). In fact, Nikocado, who certainly is in the running for filthiest person alive, has a penchant for ear piercing, tear-stained hysterics straight out of one of John’s films, whether screaming at his husband Orlin Home or shrieking at passersby while in his car (“Don’t look at me, LADY!,” he frequently seethes). He even howls at a tree in a fast-food parking lot–“Oh that tree! I’m going to chop that tree down in a minute”–mimicking Mink Stole’s famed line from Desperate Living: “Look at these trees. Stealing my oxygen!” All of which has made me, with increasing frequency, find myself wondering why I just spent the last half-hour watching him eat black bean noodles.

A classically trained violinist, Nikocado wasn’t always a manic receptacle for fried foods. At the beginning of his YouTube career in 2014, Nikocado was a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed little underweight twink living in Colombia with his similarly sincerely enthusiastic husband Orlin who shared a combined passion for veganism and healthy lifestyle choices. Ye-uch! Thank Bob’s Big Boy they changed! And quickly! In 2016, Nikocado rejected his vegan lifestyle for health concerns in favor of making mukbang videos, a social media trend of eating ungodly amounts of food that started in South Korea in 2010 (the word “mukbang” combines Korean words for eating and broadcast). And well, things are a bit different as this delightfully shocking compilation depicts:

Jeepers creepers! After you pick up your jaw off the floor, who would you rather hang out with? I choose present-day Nik! And if this isn’t decadence, I don’t know what is. Move over, Dorian Grey!

Now for most Mukbangers, these eating habits are more of a performance for video only, making up for the calories by strict dietary restrictions or fasting off-camera. Not so much with Nik. For him, it’s a lifestyle choice, uploading at least a video a day on any one of his five–yes, five–YouTube channels: Nikocado Avocado, Nikocado Avocado 2, More Nikocado, Nikocado Avocado 3, and Noodle King, which have over five million subscribers and 1 billion views. (Update: He now has a sixth channel: Nikocado Shorts.)

I should mention that some of Nik’s fellow Mukbangers aren’t exactly fans, including Stephanie Soo who, as INSIDER detaileddescribed feeling unsafe with Perry in the past and while filming the collaboration. Soo also accused Perry of sending her harassing texts and taking photos from inside her home when she briefly left the room. Within hours, the video received hundreds of thousands of views (and has reached over 12 million views at the time of this post).” Yet, other Mukbangers such as Hungry Fatchick, who I have a particular fondness for after having seen her in a handful of Nik’s videos, occasionally create crossover content with any number of the Avocado channels.

But if five YouTube channels aren’t enough, he also has a Patreon, a Cameo (Now you know what to get me for Christmas! Christmas in July! See if he’ll cry on the video if you pay extra), and–you’re in luck!–an OnlyFans. Yes, Nikocado has an OnlyFans for a breathtakingly steep $14.99 a month. Though I’m usually a deep researcher of my obsessions, I haven’t been brave enough to investigate Nik’s OnlyFans myself, but have caught a glimpse or two of pictures, confirming something Orlin shouts in a recent video (“I’m smelling the oozing that’s coming out of your behind. It’s gaping! It looks like a cave!”).

The only pecker I’m okay seeing

Frankly, the binge eating and the startling weight gain (don’t worry–it’s just water weight) isn’t the draw to Nikocado’s content for me. Anyone can pound down food if they try hard enough! Though his alarming descriptions of his physical deterioration are certainly memorable, including not being able to feel circulation below his knees and a recent explanation of a toenail pointing downward on his “little chubby marshmallow toes,” what truly raises Nikocado Avocado’s videos to low camp high art is the unhinged drama. Nothing is too personal to air, from crying jags to tales of messy sex in the backseat of a car in a fast-food parking lot. Just take a look at a couple of the playlists on his original channel such as “Fights,” “Drama, Meltdowns, and Fights,” and my personal favorite, “Upset Feelings.”

Upset feelings

Most of these upset feelings come from the constant relationship upheaval between Nik and Orlin, a sort of Days of Wine and Roses reboot if they replaced booze with breakfast sandwiches, as they argue about the furniture holding their weight, throw food in each other’s faces, and trade barbs (“It’s always a bad day, especially when you wake up and look in the mirror,” Orlin recently said). And this is near-constant, with a video uploaded every couple weeks with the title “We broke up” only to be followed with “Why we can’t break up.” Orlin always comes back, muttering, “Smile through the pain,” with the dead-eyed stare of someone who has contemplated homicide! Overall, peering into their relationship has the feel of both being a perverse voyeur and, as one commenter noted, the third wheel in someone else’s toxic relationship.

True love

Take, for instance, one of my favorite scenes between this perfect couple in a video titled “Why We Can’t Break Up/Cheesy Spicy Lobster Seafood Noodles.” As Orlin stomps off-camera to find melty cheese for the noodles, Nik tells the viewers that Orlin’s Colombian family not only can’t cook anything other than rice and beans, but Orlin didn’t even see an oven until he was 18 years old. Suddenly, Orlin reappears with a pot, announcing: “Ok, filthy pig, I made your cheese” while slopping a grotesque runny watery wet white substance onto the noodles with a sickening slurp. Nik, looking on in horror, demands to know where this cheese came from, yammering that there’s no “cheese pull” to draw viewers’ interested clicks. Orlin replies by shouting, “It’s CHEESE!” Ah…true love. It makes me just want to belt the national anthem.

This tension between Orlin and Nik started years ago, though certainly earlier videos show the twosome with light still in their eyes. Yet, I can’t pretend if the beginnings of this rocky road weren’t apparent considering an earlier video in which Nik admits to cheating on Orlin and giving him chlamydia! Yep, it’s all on YouTube. Now, not everyone is as enamored with this American love story as I am, including the government of Colombia, which deported Nikocado after rejecting their marriage license. Why ever would they? Apparently, this was motivated by Nik overstaying his welcome on his visa rather than his web content, but I can only hope someone in the Colombian government watched a video or two and knew this twosome would thrive in the good U.S. of A!

And thrive they have if one of the most recent dramatic storylines is any indication, beginning with Orlin breaking down and screaming “I lost everything because of you!…You’re a piece of garbage–you ruined my life!” while weeping over a pile of KFC fried chicken. After this, Nik uploaded a video entitled “Orlin ran away,” which is an odd way to describe a breakup unless your partner is a hostage. This led to a days-long Blues Clues-esque scavenger hunt or, as Nik refers to it “manual labor” meaning driving around looking for Orlin as Orlin dropped insulting drawings of Nik with clues on the back to relevant locations in their lives. These clues include eye-popping personal tidbits such as “You can find me where you first soiled on me” and “Find me where you did the Mexican” (“And there’s like so many different options because I did so many different Mexicans!” Nik complains). Spoiler: They’re all drive-thrus.

Sure, I know what you’re thinking: how much of this is staged? Who cares! It seems like the setup for a perfect trash film, especially with Nik’s enraged reactions to Orlin’s drawings (“What are these flies? I smell nice! I wear TOM FORD” or “My teeth are not crooked. I got Invisalign!”). Not to mention Orlin is quite the artist:

Someone needs to buy the rights to this story! If Zola can be an instant trash classic (and trust me, it is), so can Nikocado Avocado!

Now, though we love Nik, he doesn’t always love us, enjoying blaming the audience for his accumulating health and personal issues with his famous tagline: “It’s YOUR faults!” Or as he noted in another video after being recognized at Target, “I think I have a classier subscription base. I thought my viewers were trashy and haters.” Haters, not all of us! But, trashy? Ok, yeah, that’s true. But that’s what you get when you fulfill the American Dream! Hell. If he wasn’t born in Ukraine, I’d say Nik should run for president!

So this Independence Day, take some time to reflect on how proud our Founding Fathers would be of creating a nation where Nikocado Avocado was possible while gluing yourselves to YouTube! Frankly, there are too many videos for me to even give you a proper comprehensive list of favorites so here are some I watched recently:

 

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