Ooh, baby! You touch me and set me on fire! With all this social distancing, how can I put out this fire? Oh, I know! With lots and lots of toilet paper!
Filthy Fans, welcome to the end of civilization! This is the moment for which we have so very long prepared, the moment for which we have prayed. Institutions are crumbling, Disney World is closing, people are raiding stores for toilet paper, sports leagues are canceling their seasons, travel is shutting down, people are fighting over toilet paper, Broadway shows are canceled, and people are losing their collective mind over TOILET PAPER! Baby, can you dig your man!!
Mind you, this is just the beginning. The past 48 hours of collective insanity will pale in comparison to the projected two months of quarantine, social distancing, and infection that is sure to follow. Think that empty shelves for toilet paper is the most ridiculous thing you’ve seen? Just wait! At some point, the bars will close, and all this time we’ve spent keeping both ends burning will collapse as we witness the end of the world. Sad!!
Fear not, though, Filthy Streamers! We are busy busy busy working with Marianne Williamson to resurrect The Peoples Temple, where we will admit only those who either already have the Coronavirus or are serious bug chasers. You better believe our bar will be endlessly stocked with booze and with disco. Hallelujah!
Marianne’s coronavirus meditation just might cure you pic.twitter.com/cGAPzLpfzc
— The Recount (@therecount) March 11, 2020
In the meantime, while you are driving around in a complete meltdown, fire up our Songs for Quarantine Pandemic Playlist! Nothing soothes your nerves better than a soundscape full of Lynchian nightmares, cult worship, nu metal guitar, sleazy pop music, and DISCO! Hang in there, kiddos! The end is near!