James Dean says, “I want to be in your new movies!”
Hello, Filthy Dreamers! I’m Andy Anderson – a long-time pal of FD’s fearless leader Emily Colucci (I’m also a photographer who had the honor of being one of the artists included in her smash 2017 Night Fever art show at Future Tenant Gallery – but that’s another story).
Today we’re introducing a new semi-regular humor feature on Filthy Dreams. We’re calling it Cries & Whispers. You could call it our version of The New Yorker’s Shouts & Murmurs – or you could just call it our new semi-regular humor feature.
Whatever you call it, our goal is to give you the occasional piece that makes you laugh in these troubled times. You may even guffaw! Or perhaps you’ll simply titter.
How regular is “semi-regular” you ask? Well, in typical FD fashion – whenever Emily feels like adding one, OK? The first piece is called “Maximize Your Media” and I wrote it with my own eight fingers and two opposable thumbs. Enjoy!
Hi! Welcome to the first-ever Maximize Your Media conference!
My name is Katie and I’m here to help you with a problem – one that so many of you studio executives are struggling with!
We understand how frustrating it is to see your “classic” content underutilized.
I mean, Katharine Hepburn was a great actress – but how can Generation Z relate to her? Was she even a full-color person? It’s hard to tell in some of her movies!
Was Katharine Hepburn only in black-and-white?
I’m sure you’re all aware of the upcoming film that features James Dean in a “new” role. I know what you’re all thinking – what an awesome idea! He died when he was totally hot and I think he was a pretty good actor, too. So, yay, technology! Am I right?
Thanks to recent CGI innovations, we’re now able to offer you the ability to dust off that moldy catalog – and use today’s stars to improve on yesterday’s media.
Speaking of which, have you seen Casablanca recently? Well, I have. And you Warner Brothers executives have shown real vision by embracing our concept of inserting Ryan Reynolds into the Humphrey Bogart role. I mean, come on – who’s cuter here? No contest, right?
And that old man playing the piano? Sam? Picture this. We can ditch the elderly guy and replace him with Drake doing a mashup of “As Time Goes By” and “Hotline Bling.” This way we retain a “classic” element (critics seem to get so bent out of shape about changing this stuff) – and actually improve on it. Talk about crossover appeal. Your restless tween and grandma will both love this one!
Ingrid Bergman looks pretty hot – so we’re thinking she stays.
And speaking of critics, this is the point where they need to understand this is reimagining, not “desecration” or “sacrilege” or some of those other negative words they toss around. Get with it, critics! Am I right?
But of course, I realize what each and every one of you is sitting here thinking.
I know it’s on everyone’s mind.
Kim Kardashian. Scarlett O’Hara. Gone With The Wind.
Imagine the drama
Sure, that Vivien Whatshername is pretty – but in an old-timey way, you know? And won’t that Kardashian booty bring even more heat to the burning of Atlanta? You know it will!
We’ve also developed some really cute Snapchat filters for Rhett Butler (he’s staying – both women and gay men still think he’s hot). Same for the maid (also staying – for some reason, Viola Davis wasn’t excited to join us on this journey). And can I tell you right now that that Hattie McDaniel looks soooo adorable with pink furry ears? Plus it lightens up that whole birth scene – which is one big stressful downer, am I right?
While I’m talking about Snapchat, can I add that it’s so frustrating to me to watch some of these old movies and realize how much more fun it would be if they had access to modern technology? I want everyone here to go watch Breakfast At Tiffany’s. Then stop and think about all the amazing selfies Audrey Hepburn could be taking! You know she’d be an influencer in no time.
Selfie time!
And what’s with some of the lingo in these old movies? Our research shows that by adding just a few up-to-date references, you can get that 13-27 demo much more into what’s going on. Take the scene in that famous old Lauren Bacall movie To Have and Have Not. Yes, she looks totally hot (research shows that straight men, lesbians, gay men and the transgender community all agree on this). And when she asks that guy Steve if he knows how to whistle? Pretty good line! BUT…imagine this update:
“You know how to twerk, don’t you, Steve? You just put your ass in the air and SHAKE IT!” And then when you get to see her actually do it, well…it’s hot AF.
And we’re not talking just super-old movies here. There so much we can do. Take your product from the ‘80s and ‘90s, for example. Remember how bad Ralphie wanted a BB gun in A Christmas Story? Well, imagine how stoked he’ll be with Beats By Dre headphones instead!
Plus, it opens up a whole slew of possibilities for celebrity musician cameos. Ariana Grande has already agreed to “pop in” while Ralphie gets down to her music. It adds some much-needed hotness to his Christmas morning! It took some convincing to get Turner Broadcasting to love this idea, but once they saw those test numbers – well, get ready for Ralphie to get lit!
Ariana knows how to write a letter to Santa
Our research has uncovered so many interesting facts. Did you know that the drag community hardly ever watches westerns? Well, today we’re delighted to tell you that we’ve signed RuPaul to be “added” to the cast of Clint Eastwood’s The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
Thanks to our patented digital mouth enhancer, Ru and Clint throw some serious shade at each other. It’s hysterical! And even in the scorching desert sun, you know Ru looks flawless. But when Bianca Del Rio and Trixie Mattel show up on horseback and work Clint’s last nerve, the realness is just beyond – and one of them ends up sashaying away. Now that’s drama, am I right?
We’re excited – and this is just the tip of the iceberg. (And speaking of icebergs, wait until you see our plans for Titanic. Rose and Jack get a surprise visit from Taylor Swift, who almost – but not quite – saves the day by explaining how they just need to “shake it off.”) But that’s enough for now. We’re super-psyched to maximize YOUR media. Have a great day!