Ugh! We have had it all the way up to our chinny-chin-chin with Trumpy Bear’s capitalization of what once belonged to us: SLEAZE! First there was the whole pussy grabbing–or was it pussy ass bitch–thing. Then, Stormy. Melania’s outfits. Don Jr.’s beard. Kavanaugh’s boozy meltdown. Jerry Falwell Jr.’s pictures. Religious leaders laying hands on Trump’s wig. Wearing golf gear to press briefings. Nuking hurricanes. Photo-ops with dictators, autocrats, and the Taliban. Oh, and all of the casual racism, sexism, and xenophobia that has led to some very bad (sad!) events. But what did it for us was “Sharpie-gate”! That’s a trick right out of our playbook, dammit! As we have been saying from time to time, the right-wing Conservative party figured out a way to take away our sacred Camp and weaponize it to make us look like idiots. Case-in-point: the mind-boggling laser cat video that Trump tweeted after getting the NOAA to declare that his sharpie can tell no lie. His base declared him king–not just of Israel–of pissing off the other side. Wait a minute! That’s our strategy!! Trump’s secret weapon to win 2020 is by trolling liberals through Camp, and plenty of it. It’s time to step up, queens! We…well…we’re trying!…and failing.
Face it: our Democratic candidates just aren’t bad enough to reclaim what is rightfully ours. Did you see last week’s Democratic debate? Kamala’s off-the-mark “man behind the curtain” insult to Oz? Julian Castro’s uncomfortable health care screenings of Biden? Warren playing it too safe? Sanders’ cold? Mayor Pete’s…well, Mayor Pete being a boring gay? None of these candidates will take down the King of Sleaze! They need…a Filthy Makeover! To take a line from one of our Filth Elders, Marc, “Take it!! Shake it!!” Imagine if we became image consultants for each candidate. How can we make each candidate fit the bill through a total Filthy Makeover? Of course, our ultimate goal would be to piss off his already fragile white conservative base. Commandeer everyone’s automatic rifles! Require all Wal-Mart cashiers speak only Spanish, and force customers to figure it out for themselves! Gerrymander poor urban areas–with sharpies!–to integrate them with the rich suburbs! Let us become your image consultants!
Let’s break down how we can remake / remodel each candidate (in no order of bias):
Elizabeth Warren: Look: Warren can, should, and would be the front runner, but thanks to Trump’s love of epithets (and Warren’s own failed attempts to be cool), we can’t shake off her dorkiness. I mean, really: Pocahontas? That’s the lamest of insults, but somehow, Trump won’t let it go. OK, so Warren wants to claim Native American ancestry. Let’s turn it up all the way! Have her debut tribal tattoos one-by-one, from her arms all the way to her face, with each and every major event. First, during a rally, Warren rolls up her sleeve to reveal a tribal band tattoo to screaming applause. Even though such a tattoo has nothing to do with the Sioux, it’s all visuals, baby!! Next, a wolf on her back. Then, an eagle whose wingtips stretch across her chest! A beaver down her legs. Finally, Warren comes out during the Presidential debate, and through the magic of television, The Swan style, she emerges with her face covered in tattoos! Warren takes the mic and leads the nation into a prayer chant as a video shows her and the Sioux ripping out the Dakota pipeline and redirecting it to dump oil into Mar-a-Lago. As each gold plated toilet bursts, as golf courses burp and ooze, and as Trump’s portraits reveal blackface, Warren will prove that once again, nature will have her day!
Kamala Harris: There’s only one way for Harris to go, and that’s extreme. Why play it safe? Kamala Harris embodies all that terrifies white Americans: she’s black, female, and badass. Why not turn all of this all the way to the top? Have each rally and press conference open with members from Black Lives Matter read statements. Engage the audience with critical readings from bell hooks. Especially in conservative areas such as the midwest, use the platform to make whiteness–no, White Supremacy–visible, especially as they have connected to #45. Dressed in black leather and a beret adorn with African pride and BLM patches, Kamala should come out and introduce Colin Kaepernick as her running mate. Both take a knee to the National Anthem as Azealia Banks performs it live at each and every rally. If Trump can start chants of “Send Them Back” at his rallies, what’s to stop Kamala from chanting “Kill Whitey” at hers? It’s only fair! That’s not enough, though: should Kamala make it to the national debate stage, she should make it so that people dressed in white robes and hoods or that people dressed as Black Panthers circle hover around Trump each time he gets the mic, just like he did with Hillary. Take it! Shake it!!
Bernie Sanders: Bernie has a million great ideas, and Bernie has a million great intentions, but he’s attracting the wrong kind of attention (Bernie bros). His old cantankerous Socialist white guy act is attracting the wrong kind of voters. How to solve it? Don’t bother with any wardrobe changes, nor with a haircut. Instead, crush adderall into his water prior to each and every public event, and let him fly off the deep end! We know that Bernie has a lot of potential. The real question is, how far can he go with it! This investigation is worthy of us here at Filthy Dreams! What would an off the rails hyper Bernie do against Warren, Biden, and then Trumpy Bear!
Mayor Pete Buttigieg: Mayor Pete has been shit on all the way from queer activists for not being “queer enough” to gay activists for not being “gay enough.” Even lame-o Trump took a turn by labeling Pete “Alfred E. Neuman.” Oh, geez. To make matters worse, he’s turning into quite the lazy bottom by taking it all while finding ways to look boring.
Come on, Mayor Pete! You need a miracle, baby! The time has come to throw heteronormativity, homonormativity, homonationalism, and radical queerness all into a blender to see what sort of Frankenstein’s creature emerges. Here’s what we propose: first, give your hubby the boot! Chasten has managed not only to spread a ton of gay shame and homophobia (even amongst us!) but he’s also stolen your thunder vis-a-vis his Tweets and obnoxious Pride playlists. Go back to the shadows of the Shame Basement, Chasten! Then, cause an uproar with every single base by exploring the mystical opportunities of gay conversion therapy, only to come out a drug-addicted circuit queen! Forget town halls and event centers, meet Pete on board the Atlantis gay cruise lines and bring all the poppers and MDMA! Gay conversion therapy taught Pete how to shove baggies of them up his ass. So much for lazy bottoming! Finally, Pete will announce to the media that he has been dating a Muslim and has grown more appreciative of anti-American sentiments. New campaign slogan? Bottoms’ Up, America!
Julian Castro: Fuck it. Julian proved that he could fight nasty, so why stop with questioning Joe Biden’s memory? Go after the big fish! The other day, Trump contradicted everything for which he had hitherto stood by declaring his love for Hispanics. This is definitely news! Trump decided that despite the his endorsement of the wall, of ripping apart families, of ICE raids, of sending the army down during Christmas, of Tweeting about ratings while people die in this border crisis, that he suddenly needs Hispanics to secure 2020. Fine! You want it? You got it! Here’s our proposal: after weeks of increasing questioning of Trump’s sanity during all kinds of media events, Julian pushes Trump to highlight the Hispanic people who turn over the beds and make the taco salads at his properties. Trump even goes so far, under pressure, to create a Fox and Friends interview segment with these MAGA hat wearing workers; only, during the interviews, at exactly 8:00 a.m. (Eastern / Executive Time), each worker rips off their hat to reveal a bandana underneath adorned with MS-13 logos. As the hosts of Fox and Friends succumb, split-screen, to a helpless shrieking state of White panic, these MS-13 workers proceed to piss and shit all over Trump linens, curtains, and gold-plated toilets. Forcing Fox News crew not to stop filming (as if that would take much), Trump’s gang of MS-13 employees round up all white figures of authority and corral them into a room where they are made to bear witness to a live MS-13 gang initiation of Don Jr., Eric, and Jared. While Fox and Friends screams in terror and while Trump tweets for the National Guard and Special Ops, the ringleader standing behind everyone removes his hood and reveals himself to be Castro himself! Castro laughs maniacally as the scene fades to black.
Cory Booker: Two words: roid rage. Think Incredible Hulk! Every time Cory looks into the camera, we flinch. I have absolutely no idea what follows after with what he says or does. It’s all in the eyes! That immediate knee-jerk reaction is a powerful tool. Imagine a debate against Trump where mein Tweeter goes on one of his slurring MAGA rants, only to be followed by Booker’s deadlights. We need to enhance them for maximum effect. Here’s what we propose: a mixture of steroid injections into Cory’s eyes with hypnotic moving spirals that are tattooed onto his corneas. Is this trick enough to get him to win? Probably not, but that’s no reason not to go ahead with this filthy makeover anyways. Think long term, Cory! Vice-Prez! Secretary of Whatever! We’ll make sure that throughout the election cycle, you become a pundit on all the major cable networks. We’ll plant you in the audiences to stare at Trump each time he speaks, while we pump into the audio system a soft but distinct chant of “covfefe.”
Beto O’Rourke: Oh, Beto! just when you are on the verge of giving up, you somehow make your way back. Case in point: his passionate declaration to take away all assault rifles that is in a sincere response to the Wal-Mart massacre in El Paso–which to be sure, is a White Supremacy fueled domestic terrorist attack. Beto’s promise to take away all weapons have resulted in a bunker standoff among all the Second Amendment nutties., with Trump’s lips locked and loaded for full NRA smooching. Fine, keep that chapstick in your palm, pal! What we propose? Full stop! Recruit a Beto army of anti-assault rifle fanatics and sic them onto these tinfoil hat crazies. Threatening us with your AK-47s? Go ahead! Barrel away at Beto tanks as they run over your NRA signs, picket fences, lawns, and finally, into your living rooms! Unconditional surrender! Our tanks are NRA-proof! Think Superman, only with a Foo-Fighters soundtrack! Kudos, my hero! Only our hero has fallen into full-filthy-mouthed mania, causing a complete meltdown from anti-filthy-mouthed (though pussy-grabbing) Trump, and so can neither begin nor end a sentence without screaming “MOTHERFUCKER!” It doesn’t stop there, though: Beto brings in a film crew to create a weekly show, COPS style, as he busts each and every piece of trash hiding behind their AR-15 and their misconstrued right to bear arms. Whatcha gonna do when Beto comes for you, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Andrew Yang: I know that Yang has good policies, and I know that Yang has good intentions, but he really missed the mark when declaring a sweepstakes-type campaign during the debate. Was Yang at the end of his rope? Hardly! The problem is that he didn’t go far enough! Yang’s campaign is a slow churner: 2020 could have become the beginning of a movement stretching to 2024 and beyond! However, Yang made a choice, a choice started with a removal of his tie, a choice that is now forever his brand; and the pregnant pauses and stifled groans surrounding it makes me wonder: what was his intention? What was his expected response? Also, at this point, fuck both. Yang is now a game show host, but under the Filthy Dreams brand, Yang can take on Trump by countering every one of his policies, tweets, insults, and debates through the game show format of Press Your Luck. Andrew Yang: Game Show Host! Big bucks!! No whammies!! 2020!!
Joe Biden: face it, at this point, Joe Biden is dead to us. How can we apply a fresh coat of paint to this old fossil? Look no further than to World Wrestling Entertainment! Time and time again, Trump has not only shown up on WWE programming, but he has also shaped his presidency as a Vince McMahon / Hulk Hogan type super main event wrestler, all the way from his Wrestlemania entrances to his take on all comers tweets. If Trump is Hogan, then Biden needs to channel Stone Cold Steve Austin and open a can of whoop-ass on the evil boss. Trump’s not exactly the most gifted athlete anyways, despite his WWE Superstar aspirations, so reframing Joe Biden as a Wrestlemania main event opponent would not only bring some much needed excitement to this potential match-up but would also force Trump to play the heel role, since Biden would be a super-babyface. Forget policy! We want blood!!
Here’s a storytelling idea: Joe Biden starts making Wrestlemania type ads against Trump. Trump is naturally pissed off that his playbook has been co-opted, so he hurls the same old insult after insult on Biden. Sleepy Joe, though, turns it around and accuses Trump of making the moves on his wife Jill. Joe even goes so far as to doctor Trump’s Epstein party spanking videos to superimpose Jill’s head on all of dancing Trump’s girls. Trump becomes bewildered and threatens lawsuits. Biden ups the ante and steals one more out of the WWE playbook: during one of Trump’s chopper press talks, set up a split-screen where Joe interrupt mein fuhrer’s rant by driving cement truck mixer and pouring cement into Trump’s
limo helicopter until the *THFWAP-THFWAP” of his helicopter blades whirring choke loudly over Trump’s cursing and finger pointing. Why stop there? Have Joe crack Trump over a head with his microphone during their debate, and then have the camera pan out and under a Sleepy Joe standing tall over an unconscious Trump! Trump wants the Rolling Stones, let’s give Biden Metallica. Let Trump have his spotlight and fog machine: we’ll bring out an army of medieval knights and skulls! For Whom the Bell Tolls!
Marianne Williamson: Last, but certainly not least, there’s our Secretary of Spiritual Healing, Marianne Williamson. She’s not out of the race yet, nor will she ever be! Let’s be honest, though: Marianne’s role needs to encompass all things 2020. At this point, she’s beyond any one position (settle down, Pete!). Marianne needs to be everywhere all the time as a spiritual consultant, crystal reading, community prayer guiding, and curse wielding weapon for 2020. Our minister of Sleaze! OK, friends, so far we’ve managed to give Beto a COPS style reality show, Biden a WWE wrestling storyline, Castro a TV time slot that is be sure to extend beyond two news cycles, Yang his own game show, and Kamala, Pete, and Bernie enough ammo to commandeer the media into every which direction; why not have Marianne set up her own news channel? Think the 700 Club, only grittier. Think televangelism, only with a decidedly daytime TV bent. Marianne can serve as the face of Sleaze TV, guiding all the faithful into prayer circles for such miracles as Trump’s hairpiece coming apart during live television. Meanwhile, Marianne can host such specials as conversion therapy for Women for Trump and church crooners like John Daker. The Lord is risen today! HAA-HAAA-LEE-LUU-LIAAA!!!!