Screencap from David Lynch cooking quinoa

I don’t know about you, dearest Filthy Dreams readers, but all week I haven’t been able to do anything but daydream about tonight’s return of Twin Peaks. It’s as if I’ve been stuck in the Black Lodge for twenty five years and boy, it’s finally time to come out!

When not watching American democracy crumble in the most hilarious way possible (can Twin Peaks even compete anymore with the surrealism of the Trump administration? I’m not sure.), I’ve been creepily dancing like Audrey to the thought of Agent Dale Cooper’s arrival.

What will the new Twin Peaks be like? What if it’s horrible like the rapid downfall of the show’s second season when James went on that motorcycle ride to cancelation?

Or will it be eighteen episodes of Laura Palmer screaming in the Black Lodge? *crosses fingers*

Will Julee Cruise still be crooning in the Bang Bang Bar? SHE BETTER!

While we here at Filthy Dreams uphold John Waters as our preeminent filth elder, David Lynch’s everyday surrealist horror is almost equally influential to our aesthetic. Why, what would we do without dramatic red curtains! In fact, I’m so excited about Twin Peaks: The Return that I’m going to start writing weekly episode responses. So stay tuned…

Me heading into tonight

But in the meantime, since I’ve been reflecting on all things Lynch this week, I want to reminisce about Lynch’s true singular masterpiece–no, not Blue Velvet–cooking quinoa. Yes, you read that right. The master of Americana terror is very good at making a meal. I know this from a truly bizarre extra from the DVD to Lynch’s 2006 film (and my personal favorite) Inland Empire, a three-hour tour of the dream state including deadpan rabbit sitcoms, sex workers doing The Locomotion and Laura Dern.

“We’re cooking quinoa!” Lynch loudly exclaims in his cooking how-to, staring straight into the camera in the twenty-minute, darkly lit, black-and-white video. In his trademarked long-winded, overly detailed style, Lynch teachers ravenous viewers the right way to cook a good bowl of quinoa with organic broccoli, sea salt, olive oil, soy sauce and bouillon cubes.

Lynch has always somehow been able to physically embody the ominous atmosphere that he constructs in his films whether through his swoop of hair, constant smoking or unsettling storytelling ability that is, at once, off-putting and thoroughly mesmerizing. Here, he explains every minute detail needed to cook the perfect quinoa bowl as he shouts about cooking time and the right amount of broccoli. Even boiling quinoa can somehow spark a dreamlike reverie as he narrates, “This is just sitting, taking a smoke, thinking of all those little quinoas bubbling away in that pan.” Inspiring.

Of course, as anyone who cooks knows, there’s that lag time as you’re waiting for the water to boil down. Some people (ok, your co-founders here at Filthy Dreams) keep drinking so that when the food is done, we barely care. But, Lynch tells an extensive anecdote about riding a train that runs for nearly half of the video. Nothing really happens except for possibly the most vivid description of a satisfying swig of Coca Cola I’ve ever heard. And yet, with close-ups of Lynch’s hand waving in the darkness as he orates, it’s hard to tear yourself away.

And finally, the quinoa is ready and who’s hungry! The video perfectly typifies Lynch’s unending devotion to his singularly unhinged style. In fact, it makes me fantasize about a new cooking show starring Lynch in which he makes simple dishes sound utterly complicated and then tells worrisome stories while you wait. I know, I’d tune in. Someone get the Food Network on the phone!

So grab some little quinoas, set that pot to boil, light up a cigarette and have Lynch tell you how it’s done as we part those red curtains back into the realm of Twin Peaks: