Bridget Everett (image via publictheater.org)
She’s got them tube sock titties, put ‘em in the air! She’s got those beaver tail titties, put em in the air! She’s got those tic-tac titties….oh, what’s that? Why hello there, dearest Filthy Dreams readers. I was just singing a family-friendly classic from one of our absolute Filthy Dreams favorites who undoubtedly earned her role model title: the triple threat who is mostly just threatening–Bridget Everett.
Frankly, Bridget has been the subject of our hysterical fanaticism for awhile now and it’s time we recognize her Chardonnay-soaked heroic brilliance.
Whether performing in her own show Rock Bottom at Joe’s Pub, singing unconventional covers at Our Hit Parade, appearing on Inside Amy Schumer or crooning “Me And Bobby McGee” with Patti LuPone at Carnegie Hall, Everett is consistently hilarious, talented and alarming–a thrilling and sometimes terrifying combination.
Marion and I first encountered Everett during Murray Hill’s Christmas show, A Very Murray Christmas. While we initially went for the showbiz and the original snow queen (move over, Elsa) Moisty the Snowman, Everett burst into our lives in a shower of Chardonnay and power vocals. Emerging in one of her trademark ominously tiny and bizarrely constructed outfits, Everett regaled the audience with some hysterically horrible Christmas sob story while swigging from her ever-present bottle. Belting out a song with her incredible voice, she was a vision. Sitting way too close, as we often do, Marion and I saw the light and it was oaky and buttery just like a good Chardonnay. As Everett began lunging at the audience, we were hooked.
Possessing a unique vocal talent with the strength of Janis Joplin, Everett could easily just make a career as a singer. Instead she takes her voice and performance to another level by mixing her singing with the most sublime shitshow imaginable. Singing about everyday relatable topics from little nippie-titties to soon-to-be aborted babies to dicks making her ass look big all while sucking down Chardonnay and somehow (well, most of the time anyway) keeping her tiny clothes on, Everett is the drunken cabaret performer of our dreams.
Motor-boating audience members, spitting wine, spraying whipped cream into people’s mouths and just slightly sexually assaulting the front rows, Everett imbues her performances with just the right amount of terror. At a preview of Everett’s newest show Rock Bottom, I–along with Sarah Jessica Parker who was seated nearby–watched Everett climb over seats while grinding crowd members, shower everyone with whipped cream and sing “We don’t give a fuck.” Well, Everett sure doesn’t and I don’t want to either! Did I mention her tits had popped out of her dress at this point?
I know what you’re asking yourselves, faithful Filthy Dreams readers. How does she do it? Well in a recent interview with Out Magazine, Bridget revealed her secret–not doing anything during the day.
As Everett explained, “I don’t really do much during the day. I’ll sleep in, because I want to be able to do full-force, hardcore cabaret. I just want to go until I drop and feel like I’m gonna die. The last note in every show is this really high note, and every time I get there I’m just like, This could be it. This could be when my heart stops. But what a great way to fuckin’ go.”
Indeed, Bridget, indeed.
If her hardcore cabaret performances weren’t enough, Everett’s ringing endorsement of Chardonnay certainly cements her role model worthiness. At Rock Bottom, the drink menus included Everett’s own recommended bottles of Chardonnay. Confused which one to get? No problem. Bridget’s got you babe with descriptions such as “Great for the mom on the run! Put it in your purse, take it to the park and get to dreaming!”
Everett also coined “Chardonnay shocker,” a term I find myself using with some frequency despite not drinking Chardonnay very often (I know, for shame!). What is a Chardonnay shocker you ask? Well, I’m sure you know the moment you wake up at 4am after a few too many glasses of sugary white wine and end up trolling the Internet for hours? Welcome to a Chardonnay shocker! Who hasn’t done that!
Whenever I experience a Chardonnay shocker, I end up watching videos of Everett on YouTube for some inspiration. To save you the time–for your next shocker, here’s some of my favorite Bridget Everett moments. So grab a glass or two or a bottle and see you at 4am!