Letter from the editor: An apology to our readers.

There were numerous mistakes within the pages of last week’s edition of the Sun-Times-Post-Gazette. We received hundreds of emails, letters, and phone calls about one or more of these errors.

While I, as editor-in-chief, take full responsibility for each issue of our newspaper, it seems that our longtime proofreader David Smith was the individual who was directly at fault.

Mr. Smith is no longer an employee of this paper.

In his defense, Dave had been going through some stuff. And it’s become clear that he had been drinking heavily while proofing the final layouts on Friday night. “Hammered” is the exact word our executive assistant Melinda used.

We apologize for the following:

1)  In the editorial about maintaining optimism in the face of tough times, after the phrase “When the universe closes a door, it opens a window,” the words “and if you live above the tenth floor, just fucking jump,” were added. This understandably upset many of our readers. And it also gives you a peek into Dave’s recent state of mind.

2)  In the weekly Foot Locker ad, the “o” in Locker was changed to an “i.” And while a few of you found this amusing, most were offended. This also seems to have generated a lot of online traffic from a very specific fetish group. Ha, ha, Dave! Plus we owe Foot Locker a year of free ads in exchange for dropping the lawsuit.

3)  In the feature on local wellness center, The Shine Is You, owner Dawn Forrest stated, “True beauty comes from within.” Then came, “But if you have a symmetrical face and a six-pack, you’re more likely to get laid.” We assure you that Ms. Forrest did not say that second part. But we think Dave’s lousy track record with women speaks for itself here.

4)  In the Kid Stuff section, the description of an upcoming magic show contained the following: “Kids, there’s a reason they’re called ‘magic tricks.’ They’re tricking you. You are literally being tricked. There’s always a logical explanation for what you’ve just witnessed.” Needless to say, this was not in the original copy and yes, Dave had trust issues.

5)  In the Theater section, a blurb for the Treehouse Players’ production of The Fantasticks should have read, “Timeless! Romantic! Joyous!” Instead, our readers were treated to “Overrated! Stay Home! Save $45!” Dave, the critic!

6)  In the “Trends For Men” piece in our Fashion section, every time the word “shirt” appeared, the letter “r” was omitted. While not as inspired as the Foot Licker stunt, Dave did manage to make the word “shit” show up fourteen times on a single page.

7)  In the Television listings, the tagline under this week’s Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood rerun was altered. “Won’t you be my neighbor?” became “A neighbor is just someone who lives near you. It’s rarely the basis for any genuine friendship.” By now, it’s probably clear that Dave was not a people person.

8)  Our employment section Opportunity Knocks was renamed Opportunity Knockers. People seemed to get a kick out of this one, Dave! To quote one email we received, “Bwahaha! Opportunity Knockers! Sounds like a 1950s stripper!”

9)  In the weekly “Author, Author” column, our writer’s focus was the 1960s. So imagine our readers’ surprise to see the following sentence: “John Uplesbian’s ‘Rabbit Run’ is one of the seminal works of the decade.” Well, Dave, this one has flair. I think it’s my favorite of all your handiwork. It also inspired a young woman named Carol to send us a lovely hand-written note. A lesbian herself, Carol said she’d always been triggered by Updike’s name containing a misspelled pejorative and now she’s able to laugh at it. Hey, everybody! Dave helped out!

10)  But Dave’s coup de grace was deleting the entire “Listen Up!” album review section and replacing it with a very long rant about “how today’s music sucks,” which devolved into a story about how his mom wouldn’t let him go see Nirvana when he had the chance because he was only fourteen years old even though he had bought the tickets and everything. And then it all just kind of ended midsentence. We assume this is when he passed out from the drinking. We apologize to SZA, Taylor Swift, Bad Bunny, and the many, many other musicians Dave insulted in his last act at the Sun-Times-Post-Gazette.

On the bright side, a tweet by one @InsaneMembraneYo666 caused screen grabs of our now-deleted online issue to go viral and print copies of the paper are currently selling for $200 on eBay.

Follow Andy on Instagram @andyandynyc.

Illustration by Andy’s husband, Rusty.