Site icon Filthy Dreams

I Found It: The Worst Art Job Listing Ever Created

Emily Colucci

Kendall Roy (Jeremy Strong) shows his assistant Jess (Juliana Canfield) how to make life easier in every way possible

Art World Family. That’s the phrase that inspired me to click on the listing for an Executive Assistant position on NYFA’s classified listings (UPDATE: As of Friday, February 17, the listing has now been deleted, but good thing I kept this PDF as proof), curious about what this mysterious organization Art World Family was. I never heard of it before. Was it some sort of nonprofit for families in the art world, a notoriously low-paying (for most jobs), healthcare-less, and not exactly family-friendly industry? A childcare service? A program offering art education to families?

No. It was meant literally. A family of art monsters, to crib a phrase coined by Jenny Offill’s 2014 novel Dept. of Speculation that was recently used by Zadie Smith to describe Cate Blanchett’s Lydia Tár from the eponymous Oscar-baity film. My reference to Tár is not accidental. This job listing reads as if it was written by Lydia herself! Likely mid-insanity spiral! That plus a combination of other wealthy gargoyles of the big and small screen, from any of the Roys in Succession to Schitt’s Creek’s Moira Rose to The Devil Wears Prada’s Miranda Priestly to even, Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. Psycho being the operative word. This is the most nightmarish job listing I’ve ever seen in an art industry filled with nightmarish jobs. Just take a gander at some of the phrases used here that have never been uttered by a person in touch with reality, such as “dog systems” for “potty breaks, food, day care, dog walkers, vet appts.” You mean, caring for a dog? Tell me you don’t care for your dog without telling me you don’t care for your dog! And that’s before even reaching “closet systems.” So many systems so little time! Also notice that they make sure to let you know those stores from which you’ll be picking up clothes are “high end”! Classy!

What exactly is this job you ask? Well, here’s the easiest explanation: “The ideal candidate must be dedicated to a simple goal: make life easier for the couple in every way possible.” Upon further perusing, however, this job does not seem so simple, particularly after browsing the bullet-pointed list of every task you will do incorrectly and be vigorously yelled at for in your likely short time in this position! And how much will you be paid for these 5-6 jobs rolled into one role in which you’ll be expected to be on-call before and after work, as well as on weekends, to, well, edit all their photos if I’m understanding the mention of Photoshop correctly? $65,000-95,000 a year! Seems a bit measly if you ask me! Even with the two weeks of “built-in” vacation, which I assume means you’ll go on vacation with THEM and continue to work! It’s also not lost on me that there are a few grammatical errors here (I kept it as is): I mean, “discrete”? They should hire an Executive Copy Editor too! (I don’t volunteer).

Now, I already spent a good amount of time trying to wrack my brain to figure out who this Art World Family might be. And I haven’t come to any real conclusions. I suspect it might be someone with a lot of money who exists on the periphery of the art world, dabbling in it rather than a big name art star. Even the most obnoxious famous artists aren’t THIS ridiculous! But, I could be wrong! If any of you intrepid Filthy Dreams readers want to apply and report back before you have to sign that air-tight NDA, please do! We’ll buy you a drink! (UPDATE: I’m getting intel, secret and not-so-secret (see the comment below), that the listing is allegedly from Tom Sachs and Sarah Hoover).

The listing is extensive and rewards repeated reading in giggles of disbelief. It also unfolds like a blooming onion—many layers, all of them stink, and leave a bad taste in your mouth. It also reads like a genius piece of satire about the complete disassociation of the rich from everyone else’s everyday life and viewing the rest of us peons as servants to make their lives simpler. It’s a perfect unintentional parody that I already saved it as a PDF in case they ever take it down. So much so that I didn’t want to ruin the magic by overpowering it with too much of my own input. Instead, I’ve decided on the recommendation of my cousin to copy-paste the full listing as is with a dash of reaction GIFs for flavor.

So without further ado:

***

High profile art world family is seeking a full-time Executive/Personal Assistant who is extremely detail-oriented, has excellent communication skills, and possesses a professional demeanor with a high level of discretion.

Must have the ability to seamlessly juggle multiple priorities in a dynamic, unstructured environment and possess flexibility to change course at a moment’s notice. The ideal candidate must be dedicated to a simple goal: make life easier for the couple in every way possible.

Responsibilities Overview

Travel

Calendars/Appointments

Personal/Homes Duties

Other Duties

Requirements: 

To apply, please submit 1-page cover letter, 1-page resume, list of 3 professional references, and something of your choosing that gives us a sense of your personality. Submit all application materials via email with “Executive Assistant” as the subject.

Exit mobile version